With more than half of the American's ending their marriage in divorce it has been brought to my attention do they really work? I have always been asked by many how did you keep your husband for twenty three years. Technically my husband and I were married for nearly twenty years. I always count the three years of dating as a trial run as they say to see if we were compatible and we were of course. He was twenty three at the time we met and I was a mere young sixteen year old girl. I can't say marriage didn't have it's moments but we always worked through them. So after being asked several times since his death how did you do it, I decided it was  time for me to share a few secrets and opinions.

     First and foremost marriage is not about sex. It plays a key role, but it is not the basis of a marriage and if you think it is, you need to walk right out the door right now and spare everybody while you have a chance. I amazed at how many couples base their relationship on sex. If you don't believe me about how many people have placed an importance on the sex part of their marriage, go to a little league game and just listen to the women chatter while little Timmy is playing ball. What they say would make a sailor blush with constant talk of how their sex life is the only thing saving their marriage. Are you kidding? Sex definitely plays a part in the marriage, but for it to hold your marriage together? Children's school glue doesn't work if it gets wet does it? I rest my case.

     Neither is money for the basis of a mariage. I don't care who has the money, the woman, the man, his parents, her parents; it's not a marriage if you can only see dollar signs. Don't get me wrong having money to live comfortable is nice, but when money starts drying up because of recession is that the reason for the divorce? I know a cousin who will only date men with a certain income bracket and if they don't meet that standard she dumps them. Never mind she had been married too many times and is now alone. Not a pretty sight if you ask me.

     Another culprit in the marriage failure department is, I thought I could change them. Really, are you that stupid to believe you can change dear old Jim Bob from his nightly drinking habits or his sitting on the couch in his underwear while picking his nose at the dinner table? Come on reality check here. They were doing this long before they met you. ANother thing I have found absolutely funny, you thought you could tweak him or her of just that one bad habit. Unless these people hit rock bottom of the nasty habit you want to tweak, nothing changes and besides who gave you the right to decide you had to change them.

     Also, a quickie relationship without knowing full well who you are marrying is a bad idea. Whether is be a rebound relationship or just a quick couple of months from E-Harmony nobody really wins with these kinds of relationships no matter how compatible you are and the ones that do are so rare it's not even real. There is a reason for dating.

     Never, under any circumstances should you marry because everybody else is doing it. Please, just because some of the world thinks everybody has to get married and procreate doesn't mean you have to. Forcing yourself to marry because that's what peer pressure told you is a real bad idea and usually ends with an affair or divorce before it's over. Also don't marry with the expectations this person will grow on you. It doesn't work and somebody please tell Lifetime for women that.

     Marriage is a balancing act. It really is. You give and take to each other.Noticed I said to each other. Accept the other for who they are and don't try to change them the moment you get married. Now, I want to get one thing straight before we move forward. Marriage is about growth and yes with growth comes changes, but changes come on each other's terms not demands.

     Remember marriage is about give and take a mutal understanding between twopeople. If you can't even have this what makes you think, sex, money, and changing one's habits is going to make it work. It's not.

     Yes, I did have a great marriage and yes, we had rough spots, but we knew each other and the terms of the marriage. I think that is what held us together. Believe me we worked hard at it.

     So you still ask the question. Carla, how? We already know all of this. How did you do it? Well, I'm going to tell you a little secret. It's not really a secret but world today it would be considered a secret. I have learned listening to your elders no matter how off the rocker they may seem have something to say. We should listen to them because lets face it they have been there and done that.

     When I got married at eighteen my grandmother gave me three books. These books played a key role in my married life. What were the three books you ask? Well, the one book was a cook book, to which I still use to this day. It was very thick and has everything from A-Z including how to can my own veggies. Great book when you are first married because when you're young and not sure about the cooking world, this little book does the trick. The second book that would be under the cook book was a helpful household guide. Yes, the thing looked to be a hundred then but I know how to remove stains, do laundry and so forth. Removing water stains from wood is a cinch and how to fix a faucet; easy. Some of the information is now out of date, but the basics are there. The book was pretty good it really became helpful later when I had kids. The third book, which at the time left me speechless, blushing and wondering just what was grandma thinking. The third book was a book about sex.

     Remember I said marriage is not based on sex, remember that! I bet you're confused now. I was at the time. Here was my grandmothers words of wisdom. The book book is so you can cook. One way to a man is his stomach whether he is a vegetarian or a steak and potatoes man only. They have to eat. A clean house is guaranteed way to say hey, I have time to do some fun things when he gets home. If you can cook and keep a house clean he'll love it. The third is the most important. The sex book is so you can keep the marriage interesting. If you get bored with the same old same old, open that book and discover another position. That will definitely keep the marriage going.

      So what does this mean? In short, you have to keep it interesting not let it get boring. The leading cause of divorce is affairs and what causes affairs? People become bored at home. Yes, they love their spouse but with the same in and same out home cooking as they say, it becomes boring. According to my husband he was usually excited to get home because he never knew what to expect. I wanted my marriage to work, I never let it get stale. So I am giving America a little wisdom from my grandmother, marriages are give and take they have to balance and for God's sake never let it get boring!

     Dreams play a big part in our sleeping life. SOmetimes we don't remember them and sometimes we do. Some are blushing with sex or as tragic as Romeo and Juliet. Some seem to be so real that when we wake we wonder if the dream is still happening. Some make sense and others not even the CIA could crack.

     This is what brings me to my subject at hand; dreams. As a writer I am always asked where do you get such great ideas? One main course is my dreams. Now mind you, I don't dream of killing people or even harming anyone. I just have fragments of images. For instance in "A Politican's Sin" I kept dreaming of a child watching from her bedroom window a man digging a hole in the backyard. Just a bit of a fragmented dream caused me to come up with the idea about murder and family scandal.

     What if a dream becomes a nuisance? When I mean nuisance, I mean reoccurring like a bad movie on television. No it's not a nightmare. A few years ago I began having a reoccurring dream, that nearly last for three months back in 1995 and since then have had this same dream at least four to five times a year lasting up to a few days to a couple of months. My husband at the time found the whole thing amusing as I found myself with not much sleep.

     Oh yes, people are quick to help counsel you with this sleep disorder. I was taking over the counter sleeping medications, they were useless. I took the little drink before bed approach, someone should have warned me dreams are more frequent when you do that. I thought since the dream occurred at night I would switch my sleeping hours from night to day. Guess what wrong. I even tried to analyze it and came up empty handed.

     Recently the dream is back and this time with more vengeance. Naps are even hell at this point. So I had enlisted the help of my cousin who is a firm believer things happen for a reason. Yeah, she will wish she never started this theory when I'm through. The first thing she had me do is write out the dream and not leave out any detail.

     It's in the middle of the day and I'm vacuuming the front room of my house. I am wearing my favorite jean shorts, my Rolling Stones tee shirt and barefooted. I hear my children, who are in the den watching television. It's cartoons because I hear that awful helium voice of Sponge Bob Square Pants arguing with nasal congested Squidward. As I vacuum the doorbell rings. I stop and answer the front door. I don't check to see who it is. I should but I don't. I just answer the door. When I answer the door, nobody is there, but the song Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. I shake my head and shut the door and go back to vacuuming in the same spot. The doorbell rings. I stop vacuuming. Once again I do not check the door. I just open it. Nobody is there and the music of Mrs. Robinson is playing. I poke my head out onto the porch. Nobody is there except for Mrs. Robinson. I'm not frustrated yet as I shut the door and go back to vacuuming. Despite the vacuum cleaner humming loudly, I hear the kids in the background. They are laughing. I don't check on them. I hear them. The doorbell ring again. I stop cleaning and answer it, but this time instead of Simon and Grafunkel's Mrs. Robinson its been replaced with Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. I don't even look this time. I start to shut the door when this masculine hand stops me from shutting the door. He firmly pushes the door open and its..its..Ted Raimi? Yes you heard me Ted Raimi, the brother of the famous Sam Raimi. Ted is in a tuxedo looking at me in a seductive way. The music continues and I am no longer wearing my shorts and tee shirt. Oh no, I am wearing a very sexy red dress. I don't hear the kids anymore as Ted takes me in his arms and we begin to dance with Let's Get It On.  I tell him "I'm married." and he answers, "Not anymore." He stars into my eyes and leans down just about to kiss me when I wake up.

     Now by the expression on my cousins face tells me I've lost my marbles. I wait for her answer then she says, "I think you need professional help." Well, I think I can translate the dream.

     Mrs. Robinson and Let's Get It On are two songs I can live without. I do like wearing shorts and a tee while cleaning house barefooted. I dislike Sponge Bob. I have never owned a sexy red dress in my life. I don't know anything about dancing. I don't have a husband anymore, because he died. I don't know Ted Raimi, but have had a secret crush on the man for years. It all boils down to this. Sleepless nights can be down right irritating, but what's more irritating; for the love of God could I get kissed before I wake up.